Baby Steps.... Towards Life!

I am nervous.
And I hate it. I hate being uneasy. This emotion isn’t familiar anymore. I dished out all such things as feeling anxious, hurt, cheated, lost, …….. & nervous dinosaurs years ago. I threw them out of door and stood against it. And when the all leaked I held it, pressed my body against the wall till I was all against the wall, hugging it, stopping these restless things form coming back in. . It was all fine for a while. I almost slept against the wall.

& Then it happened. The tremors began. They began when the first complaint came... " you don’t feel a thing, do you?"

How do you feel happy when you don’t feel sad? And more importantly... what do you do if you are not born to be blasé?

The tremors have increased & they are far too rampant. Before the wall breaks, I’ll slowly move away & stop hugging it. That will save wall from breaking at one go! But I am not used to this anymore & hence I am nervous, this taking U turn isn’t easy. That too is new! So, I am keeping my fingers crossed & taking baby steps in discovering myself…

As Step two I tried writing today…. And I could… & I m hoping I don’t fall along step 3, & 4 & 5…

Those Games...

Paying/ offering to pay/ insisting on paying 250 bucks for coffee on 1st date with any guy/ guy friend is a rather cheap investment, totally worth it to know if hes worth a 2nd date.

Revisting...

I was looking for Khushbu. I stopped by here... and found her footprints; if not her... helped me get to know her better...

Hope

Gleamy eyed

On a starry night

Unabashed hope

and a blooming hearts might!

Gyan # 3

Paulo Coelho said, and more recently Sharukh Khan did, that "When you really want something, the entire universe conspires to make it happen"

They forgot to mention that there are chances, by the time you get it you probably wouldn't want it all that much anymore...

Confessions!

- I am a dumbass! or at least not very intelligent! People are either too polite so they don't tell me, or they just don't figure out. But I am slow, I take time to grasp things, to comprehend them, and half the times i don't speak up coz I've nothing intelligent enough to say.

- I am always in lala land! it dosent matter to me wt makes national headline, wts happening in sports or finance or politics. I don't care! to be honest mostly never well informed. I dont read too much newspaper or watch news either. ok i follow something! but thats rare! And if you ever heard me taking a stand or debating something, i prolly had dad or some friend put it in my head a day or two before.

- I've never in my life made good or atleast good enough effort to make relationships with people work. I've let a lot of important people walk away just like that...and its time I do something about it...

- You may think you are a good friend of mine. And yeah I may behave like one. But in my head I prolly just slot you as network. No am not insensitive, just that life had made me learn this tougher way.

- I prefer to be politically correct. Even in my head. And if I want to really really say something, I'll speak my mind like its an emotional outburst

- Have you ever seen grumpy 40+ ladies who are ready to bark at whosoever tries talking to them, Have you ever made fun of themand wonder if they've fought with husband, kids? or are sexually frustrated? or is it her mother in law and giggled?

I have those tendencies. I fear growing up into one of those grumpy ladies al the time...

-Although i claim to be a a 2008 lady who's fought her way into the world, I am in my head still my parents product both genetically and upbringing wise and have gongs flying wild in my head every time i do something i know they wouldn't approve off. I, 23 and half, decently educated, move around in open minded social circles, have worked for 2.5 yrs and am doing if not great atleast well, but am not an independent thinker when it comes to little things that concern myself.

- I am recently coming to achieve everything I always wanted to in bare minimum! And now that I've come here I don't know where to go next.

- I don't have any hobbies! Not many at least! they keep dying! I cant hold a paint brush anymore and i wonder how i ever cleared intermediate. I used to love blogging, Now I've had writers block for months and months. i used to catch any random movie... don't remember when i last saw one, I say photography... the amount of pictures i used to click has certainly come down :)

- I fear making intensely personal blog entries like this, uploading pictures, making friends on internet till date. Working with a web company hasn't helped me :)

Updated:

- I am an ironical blend of contradictory virtues. If you think I am ruthless, wait till you see my kindness. If you've seen me nervous, wait till you see my confidence, If you've seen me mature, wait till you see me act on impulse... Just when you think you know me, I'll surprise you...

- If I love you, If I put my trust and faith in you, and you disappointed me, I'll just shut up and before you know I'll turn the situation around and we being friends will be all about you in a manner you wont even realize... And then when day when I cant take it... I'll leave... without any explanations.

- I am a blabber mouth, and when I am telling you entertaining stories of whats happening ... I am just making you believe you are updated with me and that I am doing my duties of a friend by keeping you informed. The real stories are never entertaining....

- I'll let you believe I can take care of myself :)

Gyan # 2

A Guy is FOREVER trying to test/ judge/know what is the kind of effect he has on you; irrespective of weather he is interested in you or not :-)